img_0079The first round of tests were a breeze. She took a bunch of blood. While I was sitting there in the chair, I looked over and there on the counter was a big brown trash bag with a sheet of paper pinned to it. In huge letters were “Nancy Gray”. I was worried that inside the bag were some medieval testing probes. The lab assistant put the band aid on my arm and then handed me the bag. “Here’s your 24-Hour Urine Test”. I asked if the instructions were inside and she said yes. Of course, as soon as I got to the car, I was like a kid on Christmas morning, tearing into the bag to find two golden brown opaque jugs as well as some very boring instructions on a sheet of paper.

I decided to do the 24-hour test on a Sunday. I’ve never been one to love the taste of water. I drink tons when I’m exercising (keyword: when), but I’d rather have a cup of coffee in my hand over anything.  I stopped by Harris Teeter and bought lots of good and healthy snacks (and a few not-so-healthy) for Sunday noshing and a case of bottled water. I was ready to take the test!

Here are the unwritten (until now) rules about the 24-hour Urine Test:

  1. Get the pee jug out of the refrigerator and take with you to the bathroom. I forgot a couple of times and I really hated waddling (your sweats around your knees) across the kitchen floor to the fridge to get the jug.
  2. If you have two or more bathrooms like I do, put something like duct tape over the other toilet that doesn’t have the pee collector so you don’t forget and take a quick pee somewhere where you’re not supposed to!
  3. Don’t spend all day trying to figure out if there’s a pass or fail factor in the test. I kept thinking I needed to drink continuously and that I was supposed to fill up both of those jugs. I suddenly felt like a 12-year-old bringing my completed Science Project to class wondering whether my studies of penicillin growing in my Mom’s refrigerator was up to par with the guy who made the solar system out of styrofoam balls.
  4. Don’t leave your house because as soon as you do, you will have to pee.
  5. Drink a lot, pee a lot.
  6. Don’t pee in the shower. Not saying I do, but if you have a habit of doing that when you get in the shower, remember that it’s hard to collect pee in the shower stream.

Around 5pm that day, I started to feel inferior as a pee-er because it was obvious I would only be filling up one jug. So, I knew I needed to keep drinking and decided to brew some iced tea for the first time in years. It took me 20 minutes to find a box of Tetley tea bags in the cabinet above the stove. I look for an expiration date on the box. Does tea go bad? Probably, but who cares at this point.

I’ve got dinner plans with my neighbors Jane, Dean and Yvonne. Thank God we’re doing dinner at Jane’s which is the townhouse next door. The dinner was amazing: pot roast, potatoes, carrots, mac and cheese and bread pudding for dessert. I almost made it through the whole evening without peeing, but I couldn’t. See, Dean is this guy who is almost (I said “almost”) as funny and sarcastic as I am. When we’re in the same room, it’s like a comedy show. Well, once we got to dessert, I was laughing so hard that I knew if I didn’t run next door to my new best friend, the jug, I’d be excusing myself for another reason altogether. Of course, they all got a good laugh out of me running to the door, but I know they all love me and are proud of what I’m attempting to do.

I go to bed around 10 pm, which is my normal time. I didn’t count on the fact that I would be getting up at least three times during the evening to pee, each time having to run downstairs to do so since that’s where the pee collector tray and pee jug were located. When the alarm clock went off at 6am, I sleepily walk to my bathroom upstairs and sit on the toilet. OH CRAP! Don’t pee up here!!! (The duct tape would have helped here if I had thought of it earlier.) I caught myself and literally stopped the flow and ran downstairs. I don’t know if the rest of you get up and walk half asleep to the toilet for the first morning pee, so if you don’t….I guess I’m showing a side of myself that maybe I shouldn’t.

Get dressed for work, drink some coffee and head to the Transplant Center. I’m a little embarassed at carrying a jug in public so I remember that I have a reusable, “green” Harris Teeter grocery bag in the trunk. Yellow and Green mean “go”…

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